Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
this will be a night to untag.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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