my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
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