My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I understand Curling. That high.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
