He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You're like the curious george of whores
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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