nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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