I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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