even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
