I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
did i just pee glitter
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
