saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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