He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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