Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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