I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
