Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
