my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize