just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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