Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
