I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
