I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
