Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.