the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.