hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
