Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
