Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Farmville is her only friend.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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