He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
