mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
