Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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