No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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