Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
