I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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