Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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