I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
