If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
