He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
