I met the friendliest cop last night
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
