I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
