just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
