We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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