how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
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We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
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I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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