So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
