I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
