Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
