I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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