I can text with my tongue
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
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