I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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