Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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