I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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