why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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