$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
