im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
