I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
