i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
