cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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