I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
