i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
