fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
