M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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