I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
