I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
ttyl tear gas
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
