when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
