a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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