im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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